Too much thinking

The article in the magazine came out Friday. I was so excited to read it and really thought it was going to be great! I was sadly disappointed. :( There were a few things in there that I didn't know about, a few things that I didn't want in there but it was one of those "who cares how you feel about it" things, and a couple things that really ticked me off. One being that they made my husband sound like a selfish uncaring unfeeling ass! We talked about that tonight and lo and behold, I got a lovely response saying just that from someone who read it. This wonderful thing, surrogacy, although it wasn't actually put this way, was made out to be basically about money and hurt feelings.
Not to mention they made it sound like I am totally missing the baby and only the baby and my life is just turned upside down because of it. Get this: my sense of loss IS NOT A SENSE OF THE LOSS OF A CHILD! I never lost a child! He was never mine to lose and I've been clear on that since day 1. Yes I miss him. If you spent 9 months caring for someone daily 24/7 wouldn't you miss them when they left too? But to compare that to the loss of a child is ridiculous! I don't know that feeling, I've never lost a child, but I can assure you that what I feel is MILD compared to that.
I'm so mad, sad, upset and everything else. I want to puke! I can only imagine what V is thinking about it right now. I know that I have some things to ask her about and some thoughts to share with her and I'm guessing she feels the same way. Although I wonder if she will really express them to me.
I was able to whine and complain to C today and thank heavens for that! It helps so much that she has been there done that and not just that but she knows V&K even better than I do. Some of the things I have been feeling and thinking, though I know probably aren't justified, she understood and told me exactly what she thought. I can't ever thank her enough for what she has done for me. Not just introducing me to V&K, but being there for me every step of the way and being totally honest with me. I wish I could find a way to pay her back for all her kindness but I don't think its possible. C, if you read this, know that you hold a very special place in my heart and in my life.
I can't write any more tonight. I'm very upset and nervous to boot because my little one has surgery in the morning. I hope that I will write more soon though.
God bless!

What is there to say?

Its now been 5 weeks since he was born. For me, 5 long yet short confusing weeks. No more tears for me, but tons of mixed emotions. I feel nearly every emotion possible. Happy, sad, depressed, angry. I'm sure its hormonally induced but it doesn't make it any easier. How do I feel today? Slighted. I know exactly why but I also know I have no right to feel that way. So, its just one more emotion to get over. Not an easy one because when I think about it then I get mad and I don't want to be mad. ARGGGG!
As far as I know Wouter is doing good, growing and changing like expected. They did have to change his formula because V suspected that he was having gas troubles on the one but seems to be doing good now. His big brother is still in love with him giving him kisses whenever he goes any where, ie: school, bath, bed, etc. I'm very happy for them and the fact that all is going well.
I've been thinking more and more each day about doing this again. In my heart, I know I want to. In my head, I'm scared. Scared of getting pregnant with multiples, scared of not having such a good journey, scared of medical complications, scared of so many things. V told me that I need to take time to heal before deciding yes or no. She also said that just because a journey is different, doesn't mean its better or worse, just different. She's so very right.
I also know that I want to do at least 1 egg donation, which I would like to do this year some time. I might just resign myself to doing an egg donation or 2 and be done. Only time will tell what I will end up doing.
In the rest of my life things have been rocky. Ansil and I have been at odds for a little while now over things that to me are common sense but he doesn't see them that way. He's gone nearly all day every day which has left me as pretty much a single parent. When he is home, if hes awake, then hes on the computer playing his game and ignoring everything going on. I'm taking care of the kids, the household, the animals, the errands and everything else that pops up. I have also gotten a job working from home. It only requires 12 hours a week which is good, I can work more if I want/can. Its an hourly wage, I'm an employee not an independent contractor, no buying work clothes, extra gas, daycare or any of that. I'm very happy to have this opportunity but I have a feeling that Ansil won't be helping me much which is going to make it very hard on me, more than it is now. My kids are doing good. Ryssa has had 2 snow days this week alone due to beng dumped on with snow. I have found some great books, actually series of books, for her to start reading and she is excited about them. I just have to get them now. LOL School continues to trudge on despite everything. She is getting tired of getting up and going to school so I'm thankful that she only has a couple months left before summer. Kylee is, well honestly not so good. She is scheduled for surgery this coming Monday the 20th. She will have her tonsils and adnoids removed and tubes in her ears. At this moment she is as healthy as can be though. I am hoping and praying that she will have a miraculous turn around after this surgery.
I am trying to prepare myself for her surgery on Monday but it isn't helping my fears all that much. I will be happy once its all over with and she is back with us.
So, thats the best I can do for right now. I've about exhausted all my thoughts for the night and its getting pretty late so I should head off to bed.
God bless!

3 weeks already....

I can't believe how time has flown by once again. My sweet little surroson is 22 days old today. Can you believe it? I sure can't. I think about him every day and wonder how he is doing, how he is growing, if he is still sleeping good and being a good little boy for his parents. I miss them all so much. I wish more than anything that we lived closer to each other so I could go for a quick visit now and then.
I've had some really really bad days, mostly in the first days following their leaving to go home. I cried non stop for a couple days. Its hard to explain my feelings other than feeling a loss, and not like the loss of a child, just a loss. I am happy of course for what I have done and for the wonderful family I helped to finish. Other than that, I feel pretty good. I am still in awe with my body. Its such a quick change from being pregnant to not that I'm not used to the fact that I can bend over easily, lift things, carry my little one with ease, and that my jacket fits so loosely. LOL I am fitting into some of my pre-pregnancy pants, have been since about 1 week post partem but still not able to fit into all of them. However, I plan on starting to exercise daily soon. I know that I should probably wait until after my 6 week checkup but I feel good enough that I think I can start slowly. I certainly won't be walking or running miles or lifting heavy weights or anything like that. I'm going to use my yoga ball and some of the exercises that came with it. They look like pretty good low impact ones. Whats going to be cute about it all is that Kylee will probably use one of her little balls and imitate me.
Speaking of Kylee, she finally got in to see the ENT specialist yesterday. Within 2 mins, the doctor was already asking us if we were ready for surgery! We knew it was coming though so we were prepared to say yes. He saw some fluid in her ears again so he had to send her for a hearing test. She has more hearing loss in her right ear than in her left ear unfortunately. He compared the fluid in her right ear to the thickness of glue! Can you imagine....? The only good part about it is that hopefully once the fluid drains, she will NOT have permanent hearing loss. So, the plan is this, she will get her tonsils and adnoids removed and then have tubes put in her ears. All this will be done on March 20th. Yes its pretty soon but you know, I'm sick and tired of her being sick and all that and honestly wish that we could have gotten her in earlier. I am looking forward to having a "normal" child. One who can hear good, breathe good and through her nose, and can actually taste food. I think that she is so picky right now because she can't really taste anything and if she does then it probably tastes funny to her. Plus, with her hearing being improved she will be able to speak better. That will be a blessing.
Well, those are my updates right now. I know I said I would post my birth story and I will sometime. I have it written, but its ended up being 4 1/2 pages long! I just don't know what I can leave out and still have it be what I want it to be. So, I will work on that when I get a chance.
God bless.