A surrogacy journal

Follow with me on my amazing journey to give a wonderful couple the joy of a second child!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Seems to be the norm

every couple months to write in here again. You know, I realized just how much I miss writing my feelings, updates and such even though I know nobody reads this anymore. I guess I'm not near as exciting now as I was being pregnant as a surrogate. Gosh that almost seems like a thing of the past. All the time I worried myself about how I was going to feel after the baby came even though I knew in my head that he wasn't mine and that I wasn't going to keep him and all that stuff. You can't help but worry about that stuff the first time around. I imagine that people do it their 2nd time or 3rd time too. I would worry about it again, though not as much as I did with baby W. I love that little boy, I would do anything in the world that I could for him if he so needed or wanted it. He holds a VERY special place in my heart and I'm still so proud of myself for being able to and doing what I did as a surrogate. Heck ya I have some regrets, but none of that means near as much to me as remembering V cutting his cord and her face when he was born. And seeing K, after traveling for hours and hours with his son for the very first time, being able to give him a big old hug and talk to him and then seeing them all together. Even now, his pictures bring tears to my eyes. I can see so much love in V&K's eyes and even in S's eyes for that little boy. I so wish that I could hold him and snuggle him and love on him like I did those first few days of his life out of my womb. I'm sad to know that when I do see him again, he won't know me, he won't remember me. It makes me cry but I hope that he does get to know me over time. I'm anxious for the time when he will speak english and I can talk to him on the phone. Thats years away of course but it will happen. And I hope when hes old enough, that he knows and understands what I did and that he wants to get to know me and stay in touch with me.
I love V&K so much also. They are so awesome! And I will never forget V learning the word yummy. We were all, V,K, W, me, Charity her dad her kids and my kids, sitting at the Green Mill for lunch and V's eyes lighting up when she announced that she learned that word on this trip and kept using it. Way too cute!
Some day I do so hope to take a lovely trip over that way. V&K said if we made it to Ireland they would meet us there. I would very much love that.

So some update about my life right now. I signed up with an agency that was started by 2 "popular" egg donors, 1 of whom was also a surrogate twice, to begin with. I thought for sure that was the best route to go at the time because they were experienced and seemed so nice. Well, now its been several months since I signed up with then and have only had a couple 1 line updates about how they have IPs looking at profiles and thats it! Nothing else. So, needless to say, I'm very disappointed. I tried an indy match but that kind of fell through when the IPs decided to pursue an adoption that had just come to them. I don't blame them one bit, they need to do what is best for them. Then I decided to sign up with IARC again. I was told they had MANY IPs looking right now and that since I have blonde (strawberry blonde now, was red) hair and blue eyes, proven fertility with my 2 kids, and have been a GS already that I should match quickly. The only draw back? My fee. But you know what? I do believe I deserve it. Not only am I giving them my genetic makeup, my would be flesh and blood, I'm required to take time away from my family, in another country no less to do it. I'm also taking drugs that could mess with my own fertility and going through a procedure that could also cause big problems with my fertility or even death. What the heck in this world doesn't have a "precaution" of death though right? But nevertheless, this is not "normal" in the natural scheme of things, its something extra I'm doing to possibly endanger my life. I very much feel I'm worth that and then some. I just hope the IPs see that, and I do so hope that they pass around the extra letter I sent with my application. What I don't understand though is why I was sent ANOTHER application, when I had just sent one in to them. Keeping my fingers crossed that I do get matched quickly.
So thats where I am in this whole surrogacy/egg donor part of my life. In other parts of my life, my wahj is going, I'm not liking it much anymore as I'm still doing the same stinking campaigns and they are getting totally old. I'm thinking about applying for another job but I don't think I can commit to 30 hrs of quiet they would like. The girls are doing good. Kylee is getting better with this potty training stuff. She is totally trained naked but not in panties which drives me up a wall. Shes getting better about it all though. Ryssa is doing good but jumping back and forth between my house and her bio-dads house is wearing on her badly. Shes tired of going back and forth and I don't blame her, I'm tired of it too. Nothing I can do about it though since hes such an ass, he doesn't care whats best for HER because its all about HIM, like always. The girls fight constantly which is the norm for them but its really wearing on me now. I can't stand the constant bickering. Ansil and I are doing ok too.
Thats life as it is now. Well, right now this very day its miserable, hot humid and just plain awful. LOL I'm thankful that 2 yrs ago I splurged and bought us an a/c unit for the upstairs because we at least have that to keep cool but dang, I have had it running for 2 days straight now and I hate that. It uses so much electricity but I just can't stand being so hot and sticky all the time and with temps being 100+, not adding the humidity factor, I just have to. We all need some cool and I don't want something to happen to the kids either.
There, now you have it all, an update for the past couple months. I covered the majority of things I think. Maybe I will write more in a couple months with a more upbeat theme. LOL

God bless!


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