A surrogacy journal

Follow with me on my amazing journey to give a wonderful couple the joy of a second child!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Seems to be the norm

every couple months to write in here again. You know, I realized just how much I miss writing my feelings, updates and such even though I know nobody reads this anymore. I guess I'm not near as exciting now as I was being pregnant as a surrogate. Gosh that almost seems like a thing of the past. All the time I worried myself about how I was going to feel after the baby came even though I knew in my head that he wasn't mine and that I wasn't going to keep him and all that stuff. You can't help but worry about that stuff the first time around. I imagine that people do it their 2nd time or 3rd time too. I would worry about it again, though not as much as I did with baby W. I love that little boy, I would do anything in the world that I could for him if he so needed or wanted it. He holds a VERY special place in my heart and I'm still so proud of myself for being able to and doing what I did as a surrogate. Heck ya I have some regrets, but none of that means near as much to me as remembering V cutting his cord and her face when he was born. And seeing K, after traveling for hours and hours with his son for the very first time, being able to give him a big old hug and talk to him and then seeing them all together. Even now, his pictures bring tears to my eyes. I can see so much love in V&K's eyes and even in S's eyes for that little boy. I so wish that I could hold him and snuggle him and love on him like I did those first few days of his life out of my womb. I'm sad to know that when I do see him again, he won't know me, he won't remember me. It makes me cry but I hope that he does get to know me over time. I'm anxious for the time when he will speak english and I can talk to him on the phone. Thats years away of course but it will happen. And I hope when hes old enough, that he knows and understands what I did and that he wants to get to know me and stay in touch with me.
I love V&K so much also. They are so awesome! And I will never forget V learning the word yummy. We were all, V,K, W, me, Charity her dad her kids and my kids, sitting at the Green Mill for lunch and V's eyes lighting up when she announced that she learned that word on this trip and kept using it. Way too cute!
Some day I do so hope to take a lovely trip over that way. V&K said if we made it to Ireland they would meet us there. I would very much love that.

So some update about my life right now. I signed up with an agency that was started by 2 "popular" egg donors, 1 of whom was also a surrogate twice, to begin with. I thought for sure that was the best route to go at the time because they were experienced and seemed so nice. Well, now its been several months since I signed up with then and have only had a couple 1 line updates about how they have IPs looking at profiles and thats it! Nothing else. So, needless to say, I'm very disappointed. I tried an indy match but that kind of fell through when the IPs decided to pursue an adoption that had just come to them. I don't blame them one bit, they need to do what is best for them. Then I decided to sign up with IARC again. I was told they had MANY IPs looking right now and that since I have blonde (strawberry blonde now, was red) hair and blue eyes, proven fertility with my 2 kids, and have been a GS already that I should match quickly. The only draw back? My fee. But you know what? I do believe I deserve it. Not only am I giving them my genetic makeup, my would be flesh and blood, I'm required to take time away from my family, in another country no less to do it. I'm also taking drugs that could mess with my own fertility and going through a procedure that could also cause big problems with my fertility or even death. What the heck in this world doesn't have a "precaution" of death though right? But nevertheless, this is not "normal" in the natural scheme of things, its something extra I'm doing to possibly endanger my life. I very much feel I'm worth that and then some. I just hope the IPs see that, and I do so hope that they pass around the extra letter I sent with my application. What I don't understand though is why I was sent ANOTHER application, when I had just sent one in to them. Keeping my fingers crossed that I do get matched quickly.
So thats where I am in this whole surrogacy/egg donor part of my life. In other parts of my life, my wahj is going, I'm not liking it much anymore as I'm still doing the same stinking campaigns and they are getting totally old. I'm thinking about applying for another job but I don't think I can commit to 30 hrs of quiet they would like. The girls are doing good. Kylee is getting better with this potty training stuff. She is totally trained naked but not in panties which drives me up a wall. Shes getting better about it all though. Ryssa is doing good but jumping back and forth between my house and her bio-dads house is wearing on her badly. Shes tired of going back and forth and I don't blame her, I'm tired of it too. Nothing I can do about it though since hes such an ass, he doesn't care whats best for HER because its all about HIM, like always. The girls fight constantly which is the norm for them but its really wearing on me now. I can't stand the constant bickering. Ansil and I are doing ok too.
Thats life as it is now. Well, right now this very day its miserable, hot humid and just plain awful. LOL I'm thankful that 2 yrs ago I splurged and bought us an a/c unit for the upstairs because we at least have that to keep cool but dang, I have had it running for 2 days straight now and I hate that. It uses so much electricity but I just can't stand being so hot and sticky all the time and with temps being 100+, not adding the humidity factor, I just have to. We all need some cool and I don't want something to happen to the kids either.
There, now you have it all, an update for the past couple months. I covered the majority of things I think. Maybe I will write more in a couple months with a more upbeat theme. LOL

God bless!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Hey I'm still here!

I've had the pleasure of watching baby W grow so far in pictures and let me tell you he is one beautiful little guy! V is one of the kindest people ever. She took time on mother's day to make sure she sent me some much wanted pictures of the whole family and I have to say I cried big crocodile tears looking at them. They are such a wonderful family and baby W has the cutest toothless smile I have seen in forever! Ok so I may be a bit biased but anyone who sees it has to admit that its pretty darn cute. You can't help but smile when you see it, even in pictures. Ansil even smiled so big when he saw the pics so you know its got to be pretty cute! LOL
I haven't had the chance yet but I am going to put the pictures on a disc and take them to Walmart and print some off. I am so excited to get a pic of all of them up on my wall. They are so much like family and I'm still so much in awe with everything that happened.
I've made the decision that I want very much to do this again and honestly I would love to help V&K again. However, Ansil is definitely not ready, nor is K. V and I have talked and decided that behind the scenes we are going to work on our men to agree to do this again!!!! I'm so excited but I know that it will take time and I'm ok with that. Well, kind of anyway but I'm willing to wait before saying anything to Ansil again if that helps my chances of him agreeing to it! But don't tell him that! LOL
In the mean time, I'm going to do an egg donation or 2, just have to wait and see how things go the first time around. I'm excited to get started on that and hopefully it will be soon. Going with IARC again means that I don't have to do the psych testing again right now, unless the parents are concerned with something but I don't see that as a problem. In other words, it will go a bit faster than going with anyone else. I'm waiting on a packet of info to fill out and send back and things will be rolling right along. WOOHOO!

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Its been way too long

since I updated anything! Life has been busy, complicated, stressful, but all around pretty good. With my new job, housework, errands, girl scouts (which I keep forgetting about!), and the kids I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off. At the end of every day I'm pooped to say the least. And whats worse is I never get to bed before midnight! And then I'm up again at 6:30 am to do it all over again.
Its all good though. I'm loving my new found energy after having it all zapped being pregnant. It feels good to really get things done around the house and with the kids. I just need to start actually exercising more. My big butt needs to shrink at least 2 pant sizes so I can fit into all my summer clothes. I don't want to have to buy a new wardrobe again! LOL
On the surrogacy subject though, I was just today thinking about placing an ad. I haven't made up my mind if I want to or not. If I do, it would specifically say that I am NOT looking to start right away but want to take time, as in months, to get to know them and I want someone closer to me so we can do weekend BBQs and such and get our families more invovled this time. I still love V&K and nothing could replace or change that, but man it would be bliss if they lived closer! I need to have a heart to heart with Ansil first before I even think about placing an ad. There are many things that I want different this time and I need to know if he is on board with that.
I'm also in the process of filling out a questionaire about egg donation. This is something that I know I want to do right now. I would like to look at a generic but good contract to decide how I want to handle the traveling that is involved. I don't mind traveling, its just that my kids won't have anyone home to care for them at that time and Ansil can't that much time off work, its not possible. I thought about taking Ky with me and Ryssa could stay with her dad but when going to the clinic for the actual egg retreival, I have to be put under and there is no way I could watch Ky during that time obviously. Anyway, I just need to know what is normal to ask for and what isn't.
After Kylee's surgery she has totally changed! She eats all the time and quite a bit at a time too. She has put on weight and sleeps really good. Her hearing is as good as it gets too! Oh, and she talks sooooo clearly now that everybody can actually understand her! Though she still has an attitude problem and gets into tons of trouble, the rest is so different about her. I have been trying to potty train her but with everything else going on, its been difficult so I have been slacking on it. Its so time consuming and so much work but eventually we will get there. Shes a very smart kiddo and I'm hoping she won't take too long before she catches it on.
So, thats about it for us right now. Life has gone on, I've adjusted once again and things are going pretty smoothly, just very busy.
God bless everyone!!!

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Too much thinking

The article in the magazine came out Friday. I was so excited to read it and really thought it was going to be great! I was sadly disappointed. :( There were a few things in there that I didn't know about, a few things that I didn't want in there but it was one of those "who cares how you feel about it" things, and a couple things that really ticked me off. One being that they made my husband sound like a selfish uncaring unfeeling ass! We talked about that tonight and lo and behold, I got a lovely response saying just that from someone who read it. This wonderful thing, surrogacy, although it wasn't actually put this way, was made out to be basically about money and hurt feelings.
Not to mention they made it sound like I am totally missing the baby and only the baby and my life is just turned upside down because of it. Get this: my sense of loss IS NOT A SENSE OF THE LOSS OF A CHILD! I never lost a child! He was never mine to lose and I've been clear on that since day 1. Yes I miss him. If you spent 9 months caring for someone daily 24/7 wouldn't you miss them when they left too? But to compare that to the loss of a child is ridiculous! I don't know that feeling, I've never lost a child, but I can assure you that what I feel is MILD compared to that.
I'm so mad, sad, upset and everything else. I want to puke! I can only imagine what V is thinking about it right now. I know that I have some things to ask her about and some thoughts to share with her and I'm guessing she feels the same way. Although I wonder if she will really express them to me.
I was able to whine and complain to C today and thank heavens for that! It helps so much that she has been there done that and not just that but she knows V&K even better than I do. Some of the things I have been feeling and thinking, though I know probably aren't justified, she understood and told me exactly what she thought. I can't ever thank her enough for what she has done for me. Not just introducing me to V&K, but being there for me every step of the way and being totally honest with me. I wish I could find a way to pay her back for all her kindness but I don't think its possible. C, if you read this, know that you hold a very special place in my heart and in my life.
I can't write any more tonight. I'm very upset and nervous to boot because my little one has surgery in the morning. I hope that I will write more soon though.
God bless!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

What is there to say?

Its now been 5 weeks since he was born. For me, 5 long yet short confusing weeks. No more tears for me, but tons of mixed emotions. I feel nearly every emotion possible. Happy, sad, depressed, angry. I'm sure its hormonally induced but it doesn't make it any easier. How do I feel today? Slighted. I know exactly why but I also know I have no right to feel that way. So, its just one more emotion to get over. Not an easy one because when I think about it then I get mad and I don't want to be mad. ARGGGG!
As far as I know Wouter is doing good, growing and changing like expected. They did have to change his formula because V suspected that he was having gas troubles on the one but seems to be doing good now. His big brother is still in love with him giving him kisses whenever he goes any where, ie: school, bath, bed, etc. I'm very happy for them and the fact that all is going well.
I've been thinking more and more each day about doing this again. In my heart, I know I want to. In my head, I'm scared. Scared of getting pregnant with multiples, scared of not having such a good journey, scared of medical complications, scared of so many things. V told me that I need to take time to heal before deciding yes or no. She also said that just because a journey is different, doesn't mean its better or worse, just different. She's so very right.
I also know that I want to do at least 1 egg donation, which I would like to do this year some time. I might just resign myself to doing an egg donation or 2 and be done. Only time will tell what I will end up doing.
In the rest of my life things have been rocky. Ansil and I have been at odds for a little while now over things that to me are common sense but he doesn't see them that way. He's gone nearly all day every day which has left me as pretty much a single parent. When he is home, if hes awake, then hes on the computer playing his game and ignoring everything going on. I'm taking care of the kids, the household, the animals, the errands and everything else that pops up. I have also gotten a job working from home. It only requires 12 hours a week which is good, I can work more if I want/can. Its an hourly wage, I'm an employee not an independent contractor, no buying work clothes, extra gas, daycare or any of that. I'm very happy to have this opportunity but I have a feeling that Ansil won't be helping me much which is going to make it very hard on me, more than it is now. My kids are doing good. Ryssa has had 2 snow days this week alone due to beng dumped on with snow. I have found some great books, actually series of books, for her to start reading and she is excited about them. I just have to get them now. LOL School continues to trudge on despite everything. She is getting tired of getting up and going to school so I'm thankful that she only has a couple months left before summer. Kylee is, well honestly not so good. She is scheduled for surgery this coming Monday the 20th. She will have her tonsils and adnoids removed and tubes in her ears. At this moment she is as healthy as can be though. I am hoping and praying that she will have a miraculous turn around after this surgery.
I am trying to prepare myself for her surgery on Monday but it isn't helping my fears all that much. I will be happy once its all over with and she is back with us.
So, thats the best I can do for right now. I've about exhausted all my thoughts for the night and its getting pretty late so I should head off to bed.
God bless!

Friday, March 03, 2006

3 weeks already....

I can't believe how time has flown by once again. My sweet little surroson is 22 days old today. Can you believe it? I sure can't. I think about him every day and wonder how he is doing, how he is growing, if he is still sleeping good and being a good little boy for his parents. I miss them all so much. I wish more than anything that we lived closer to each other so I could go for a quick visit now and then.
I've had some really really bad days, mostly in the first days following their leaving to go home. I cried non stop for a couple days. Its hard to explain my feelings other than feeling a loss, and not like the loss of a child, just a loss. I am happy of course for what I have done and for the wonderful family I helped to finish. Other than that, I feel pretty good. I am still in awe with my body. Its such a quick change from being pregnant to not that I'm not used to the fact that I can bend over easily, lift things, carry my little one with ease, and that my jacket fits so loosely. LOL I am fitting into some of my pre-pregnancy pants, have been since about 1 week post partem but still not able to fit into all of them. However, I plan on starting to exercise daily soon. I know that I should probably wait until after my 6 week checkup but I feel good enough that I think I can start slowly. I certainly won't be walking or running miles or lifting heavy weights or anything like that. I'm going to use my yoga ball and some of the exercises that came with it. They look like pretty good low impact ones. Whats going to be cute about it all is that Kylee will probably use one of her little balls and imitate me.
Speaking of Kylee, she finally got in to see the ENT specialist yesterday. Within 2 mins, the doctor was already asking us if we were ready for surgery! We knew it was coming though so we were prepared to say yes. He saw some fluid in her ears again so he had to send her for a hearing test. She has more hearing loss in her right ear than in her left ear unfortunately. He compared the fluid in her right ear to the thickness of glue! Can you imagine....? The only good part about it is that hopefully once the fluid drains, she will NOT have permanent hearing loss. So, the plan is this, she will get her tonsils and adnoids removed and then have tubes put in her ears. All this will be done on March 20th. Yes its pretty soon but you know, I'm sick and tired of her being sick and all that and honestly wish that we could have gotten her in earlier. I am looking forward to having a "normal" child. One who can hear good, breathe good and through her nose, and can actually taste food. I think that she is so picky right now because she can't really taste anything and if she does then it probably tastes funny to her. Plus, with her hearing being improved she will be able to speak better. That will be a blessing.
Well, those are my updates right now. I know I said I would post my birth story and I will sometime. I have it written, but its ended up being 4 1/2 pages long! I just don't know what I can leave out and still have it be what I want it to be. So, I will work on that when I get a chance.
God bless.

Monday, February 13, 2006

So much has happened

At 39w4d I had my last doc appt. We discovered that despite all the contractions I had had, I was still only 1 1/2 cm dilated. I was very depressed about this but still knew that he couldn't stay in there forever! The doctor was great though and decided to stretch my cervix. He said that if the body is ready, this is sometimes a way to start labor. I cramped for a bit afterwards and then had contractions for the remainder of the day. I certainly didn't think that anything would happen but again, was holding hope that it would be soon. We had an induction date set for the 17th of Feb which I really didn't want to make it to.

Anyway, I woke up Feb 9th, in labor!!! I will write and post a birth story with all the details but needless to say, baby W was born at 11:59am Feb. 9th. He weighed 7bs 2oz and was 20inches long. Absolutely perfect!!!!!!

Here is a link to a slide show of pictures from birth to 3 days old so far. I know I will have more to add soon. I hope everyone enjoys them. There is also music, albeit a bit cheesy, but it makes me tear up anyway.
(took out the link for privacy reasons)